Hashtag Euphoria

I think it's been too long since I decided to write a post simply because I had strong feelings about something that was on my mind. The fact that I'm about to do that right now is honestly pretty refreshing for me, as that's kind of the point of me having this blog in the first place. Y'know, to realtalk for a sec about life and stuff.

It's been a while since I've been genuinely happy and upbeat almost 24/7. That was my thing for a while until some shit went down, and gravity stopped behaving the way I wanted, and my life sort of started to slip through my fingers for a bit. But then I started picking myself back up, and I think I'm finally back at the top of my little mountain here--metaphorically speaking, of course (although I do live at one of the highest altitudes on campus).

There are a lot of factors involved with my reinvigorated state of euphoria, some of which are probably easier to guess than others. I think the main drive of it all, though, is probably one person in particular who has helped me realize that all I really have to do to change the world around me is to be that change. If I just be the change I want to see, suddenly things will start to get better. It's really all about figuring out what you want and then seeking it out.

It all started during this past break. Last semester kind of kicked my ass, even though my GPA is now the highest it's ever been since I started college. I think the amount of work I did to get those grades is probably the reason I really needed a break this time. After I got home, I took time to sleep in and play games, and just generally relax. I even went to Maine for a week with my parents, and spent a fair amount of time just expending my new-found creative energy on a big project for my friends (creative projects are more fun when you do them for the benefit of others, I've been told).

Finding a creative muse, however, was only part of the upturn I'd started to take. Reforming my social life kind of needed to be done for a while, and I knew this, but I didn't really think I could do anything about it until recently.

Now, most of you probably know that I'm a very social person. I like being with friends, and I have a lot of them. I do my best to be there for them if they need me, but I need to feel included or I'll start to lose heart (typical Cancer, for those of you who believe in astrology). Show me that you care about me, and I'll very quickly reciprocate. I am, however, very sensitive at times, and I can take things more seriously than they might have been meant to be taken.

Unfortunately, we're all each other's punching bags in my group of friends. I didn't really think anything of it for a long time, but as I've started to meet other people and see other group dynamics, I started to grow less and less tolerant of this mentality. And I get that friends can poke fun at each other sometimes, but they also have each other's backs and are there for each other whenever trouble arises. Ultimately the overall positivity of the group should outweigh the negativity, and that balance started to snowball in a pretty bad direction from my perspective with my particular group. I grew distant because I felt like I was getting hurt more often than not, and my first response to social adversity is to retreat into my shell.

I'm not sure if what I did was necessarily the "right" response, but it was how I chose to handle it, and I'd definitely make the same decision again given similar circumstances--I put my own happiness first. Thankfully a few of my friends saw the distance I was putting between us and told me they wanted to remedy that, and I'm really thankful for it. One of the things I hate the most is losing close friends--especially ones that I've had for so long.

Ultimately what I learned from this new muse of mine, though, is that I have the option to surround myself with people who genuinely like having me around, and it made me realize that there are more people like that than I originally gave myself credit for. My new-found self-worth started to blossom, and with it came yet another surge of creativity (turns out all I need to do to have good ideas is believe that I have them). As it stands now, my semester looks full of potential--between my Game Dev II dream team and an unprecedented amount of free time to capitalize on my creative potential, I think I can really be a part of something awesome. Not to mention a budding relationship that has me excited to see what each new day brings. And I've even started a weekly Dark Heresy campaign with some friends who I'm super hyped about getting to know better (spoiler alert: new blog coming with details on all of those crazy shenanigans)! All-in-all, it looks like it's going to be a good year, and I'm looking forward to spreading the positivity!

That's really it for this one. Special thanks to my lovely muse (you know who you are). As for the rest of you, thanks for reading, and be on the lookout for my new blog (perhaps you'll see it tomorrow??? #foreshadow)! I'm going to do my best to make it entertaining even for those of you who don't know about the Dark Heresy universe, because the dice rolls alone are really not that entertaining without proper context and storytelling. Luckily, we have an amazing GM and a party of people who get really engrossed in their characters, so the storytelling won't be too much work on my part.

Until next time!

--J